I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
