I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
