OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
It's blow job season.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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