saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
