I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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