wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
