I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
