i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
