That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
