I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize