I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
