Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
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