Someone shit on the floor
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Randomize
