went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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