ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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