What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
