There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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