i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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