maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
