The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
