Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
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