i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
The best revenge is premature balding
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
