If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
