My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
