you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Is that strawberry winking at me??
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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