my phone needs a breathalizer
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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