sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
