I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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