I'm jealous of your bromance
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
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