I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
