my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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