Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
is that a dick in a sweater?
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Randomize
