If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
not ubering you a puppy
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
