my mouth tastes like poor choices
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
