Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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