You just made me feel so damn special
***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
You're completely useless in the revolution.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Randomize
