I feel like I'm in dance class right now
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
