I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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