so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
