my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
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