im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Randomize