i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
