that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
