I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
