Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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