I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
