Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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