She went from zero to smokin in five shots
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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