I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
