Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
