go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Randomize
