HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Im part way to drunk.
Randomize
