when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
