Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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