Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
