Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
How's work?
Spinning.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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