I wish I could punch you in the face.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
